It's been a while

My great-uncle Carl, age 98, is feeling better. He recently moved into a nursing home (he was living alone until january) and he had a stroke, but apparently he has been doing better and better since my trip to see him in April.

I played oboe for Carl and others in his nursing home, and I think it was some of the most important playing I've ever done. Simple church hymn melodies, unaccompanied. A rented student oboe, a store-bought reed. Nothing about how I usually approach playing oboe, and yet somehow extremeley satisfying. Between the oboe and the reed, I knew I would sound ridiculous and nothing like the professional I think I am. I had to keep telling myself, "this is not for you, Kristin. This is for Carl. He doesn't know the difference."

Although I always suspected as much, the point of music is not always simply to get "better" at your instrument, or to find new and different and amazing ways to play the repertoire. There is more than simply doing your best, reaching a new level of performance, or not making mistakes. It's not about newspaper critics, exams, recitals, and teachers' approval. Obviously, without these things and, admittedly, without years and years of intense work and dedication, music would be worthless. It doesn't matter how much you "feel" when you play; if you don't know where to put your fingers or how to make a good sound, no one will get your message.

So, where do I fit in? I can judge and critique as much as anyone, and yet I have a deep understanding of the need for the masses of musicians who play at some level other than world-class. Church musicians, community orchestras, and music teachers of all levels are valuable! I feel somehow trapped between two worlds; the desire to play with and mingle among the best of the best, and not settle for mediocre is one world. The other is the fantasy land where my parents, grandparents, and friends at church, who have watched me play for them since the day I began oboe, are warmed from the inside out by the love I show for them by taking time out of my day for them. The deep, unconditional appreciation I feel radiating from those people makes me believe in the goodness of human nature! This other set of people, this set of people who are not judging my intonation or my technical facility, are experiencing music in a pure way which I think gets lost in the world I mentioned before.

Does one cancel the other out? I know this question can be asked about pretty much any walk of life which involves some hobby, activity, or work in which one can either be good or great. Is one more important than the other? Is it worth it to sacrifice one because the other seems easier, or more fulfilling? Or because one involves more money? Or fame? Is it possible to have both??